Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
