My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
