Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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