The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
