If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
