cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
