she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
