Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
