I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm both gender and math confused
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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