You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
