Sorry, I don't speak sober.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
