But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
