We're like a lot better than the average bears
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
