I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
