Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
