my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
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I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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