Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
