your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm jealous of your bromance
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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