A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
is it fun? or sober?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
