You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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