last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
