i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
