OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
So many bounce houses so little time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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