Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
