Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
