we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
pop tarts are not kleenex
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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