If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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