official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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