Soap is not a condiment
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
