I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
