Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.