now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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