When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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