Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
