i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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