we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
