I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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