I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
