I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
