My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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