So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
