You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
