i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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