I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
