I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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