Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
