What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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