Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
