He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
