i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize