My boss' voice literally gives me gas
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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