Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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