I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
