Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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