I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
