i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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